You know what? I’m getting FUCKING tired of being surrounded by average, perfectly fine looking girls (some I’d even call beautiful), bitching, crying, hating themselves, and hurting themselves because SOMEHOW they have convinced themselves that they are ugly. And I can’t help but wonder…
What exactly about them makes them think that they are below society’s standards? I’m not talking the MEDIA’s standards, society’s. Statistically, average looking people are the most liked and desirable people. So many people don’t realize that they are perfectly fine and probably hold a better chance of being liked than those models in magazines. But they somehow convince themselves that they are the lowest of the low. Let me tell you, you could go lower. Me? I am lower than then girls I know. I don’t hate myself for it, but I know what I am and where my place is. So before you hate yourself, ask yourself these questions:
Are you obese? Can you find clothing that fits you in any store at the mall?
Do you have a noticeable physical abnormality that people point out?
Have people turned your way and gawked at you? In disgust?
Do you have hair where it shouldn’t be? Or are you missing hair where it should be?
Have you been told you are ugly, on more than one occasion, by more than a hand full of people? People you don’t know, or even people you do know?
Have you ever been joked and picked on for the way you look consistently?
If you said yes to any of the above, congratulations, you just may truly be a reject to society. Welcome to the club. Not saying you should go hating yourself by the way, please don’t do that.
But if you didn’t say yes to any of those, and you think you are below society’s standards, please go look in a mirror and get over it. Please!
All of my life, I have had to endure being picked on and scrutinized for the way I look. The first time I realize I was being picked on was in the 2nd grade. The two bus monitors had the lower grade students get into 2 lines just so they could tell me that I was so fat, I could fit in both lines. That’s just the first of many times people went out of their way to have a laugh at my look’s expense.
And it only got worse over the years. I was an active kid, but I was always overweight. And of course, I was constantly scrutinized for it.
My dad even forbid me from wearing girly clothing like skirts and dresses because “Nobody wants to see overweight women in that kind of clothing” and convinced me that t shirts and jeans were all I was allowed to wear. And because of that, until my boobs came in, I was sometimes mistaken as a boy with long hair.
I remember when I was little, I used to get so scared of what I might look like when I grow up because my brother and sister would call me into the livingroom, and they’d say “Look Katie, that’s going to be you one day!” And it’d be one of those Jerry Springer episodes where they had morbidly obese people on, and the host and the crowd would just be shaming the hell out of them. I didn’t want to be treated like that.
The only time in my childhood that someone defended me was when I got to know my friend Cheyanne and her older brother Robert. When Cheyanne moved to our neighborhood, she came onto the bus and was going to sit next to me because she recognized me (we were neighbors). The girls kept telling her to not sit with me because of various reasons, fat, loser, etc. But she ignored them, and sat with me. Her older brother, Robert’s, girlfriend also scrutinized me and one day said that I would probably eat anything, evident by my weight, and Robert quickly defended me. They probably don’t remember it, but I do.
By time I was 15, I had stopped having my period, and my hair was noticeably thinner. By time I was 17, I felt absolutely disgusting. I was overweight, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not lose weight. I used to have beautiful thick hair, hair dressers would even complain when I’d go get my hair cut, and all of a sudden I was having people ask me if I was balding, or saying “Have you considered using Rogain?” I had hairy arms, and some guy I don’t know at school was like “Ugh! You got a moustache!” that I just put off as some peach fuzz.
I remember, one night I went to CiCi’s pizza with Brian, Jessica, Alex, and Tony, and I was going up to get my first plate. I was even going up to just get a frickin salad when a guy at another table stopped me and said “How do you expect to lose weight when you’re eating all of the food?” He and his friends laughed at me. I ended up annoying my friends because they paid for me to eat, and I suddenly didn’t want to eat.
It just got worse and worse. I was losing hair where I wanted it, and gaining hair where I didn’t want it. I was gaining weight and dieting wasn’t working. One day, surprisingly it was on Dr. Oz’s show of all places (I personally don’t like shows like that), I learned of PCOS. When I was 19, I asked my mom if she could take me to the doctors to get this checked out. My doctor said it was possibly that I had PCOS or Hypothyroidism. They are both almost identical, sharing many symptoms, so he had me checked out. Long story short, turns out I have both. The hypothyroidism I likely had since childhood or birth, the PCOS was likely triggered when I hit puberty since I only had one year of a “regular” cycle. These were the causes of many of my “alarming” symptoms—- weight, weight loss issues, thin hair, hair where I don’t want it, no period, and more.
There are no cures, and no fixes for my physical symptoms. I take 3 different medications that help balance out my hormones. I’ve lost about 50 lbs, but that’s pretty standard, most women usually even out there from what I’ve read online.
I’m glad to have been diagnosed and to be receiving treatment, but it doesn’t change the way I look and how society perceives me. I am overweight, not many people look at overweight people with a positive light. We are seen as lazy and gluttonous. I’ve seen my own friends gawk and make rude comments about women with extra hair, be it on their chin, sideburns, arms, chest, etc. Hell, I’ve received comments just about myself. I wax and pluck regularly to avoid this. Yes, I, Katie, have to wax my fucking face because if the hair isn’t darker than normal, it is longer, and SOMEONE always feels the god damn need to point it out as if I don’t fucking know it. Oh really? I’ve never looked at my own body and face before! Thank you very much stranger, you have done your good deed of the day. You made a girl even more aware that she is cosmetically different from you and every other perfect individual you know. Jeez, it’s not like I have a man beard or something. But I guess even some extra peach fuzz is something I shouldn’t have.
I’ve tried looking for treatments to thicken up my hair, and get rid of hair, but the results have been discouraging. Most recommend hair transplants and laser removals, which are definitely out of my reach and can easily fail. I looked into taking a certain supplement that many claim to help, which my doctor strongly advised against because the risks outweighed the benefits. I also receive mixed messages that receiving treatment for these conditions doesn’t stop the hair changes. Do you have any idea what it feels like being a WOMAN who just might be going bald one day?? Meanwhile, having your boyfriend ask you to simply not get your hair cut short to your shoulders because he likes long hair? Makes me feel like my boyfriend might leave me because he finds me unattractive because I don’t have hair like fucking Miley Cyrus. (btw I know she used to extension to hell and back again. Probably why she cut it all off…)
The idea of having to wear wigs one day doesn’t bug me. I’ve had friends who wore wigs. But I’ve also seen so many people say stuff like “Oh that person is obviously wearing a wig. Why don’t they just walk around bald? That wig looks so obvious,” as if it is a bad thing. What do you know about that person? Why are they wearing that wig? Is it bad that their hair is detachable? So with that path, my choices are basically… walk around bald and be gawked at and judged because women are supposed to have long hair. Or be gawked at and judged because I wear a wig.
Its like an endless cycle. It’s like this shit never ends. I have lost the genetic and cosmetic lottery. I am not horribly disfigured, but I have been cursed just enough with many a trait that deems me undesirable to even the society I live in, and be the blame for what nature has bestowed upon me. But not enough for people to feel sympathy. To get that, you gotta be in a wheel chair, or look like the hunchback Notre Dame. Not saying I want sympathy by the way…
But yes, it fucking pisses me off when there are girls with no actual physical abnormalities, hating themselves. Because if they think that they are disgusting, where the fuck does that put me?
My self esteem has been crushed plenty. I have grown to be a deathly shy person. A lot of people talk about how shy they are, and some even find it cute in girls. No, it isn’t cute, and often, shy is an overstatement. I have to morally prep myself before approaching an employee at a store. I try my best to get over it, but sometimes I feel it is just embedded in too deep. I have endured at least 16 years of scrutiny for my looks, by strangers, acquaintances and I always feel the years creeping back up on me when I decide “Fuck it, if they’re going to judge me. It’s their loss!”
I really don’t have a problem with me. But I know that every day of my life, with many of the people I encounter, they will be judging me, assuming things about me, and ultimately will not give me a chance because I am physically undesirable to society. And I like people, I really do. I love making friends. But I know many people I meet will ultimately not even give me a chance. All of the people who have disliked me are people who hadn’t even had a conversation with me. I’ve never judged people for what they looked like. I’ve long learned to not do that, I know how it feels. But as far as they’re concerned, they just see a balding, hairy, lazy, gluttonous, fat girl. And who wants to be friends with that? Not many.
Did anyone even bother reading this? I doubt it. Kenny probably will. I rant a lot on here, which I’m sure chases people off, but I do that because I have no one to talk to besides Kenny and I don’t want to rant his head off.
Congratulations if you read it. Here is a gif of… something… *looking* Corgis, here’s some corgis.
- midnyghtcity likes this
- volumeun likes this
- tsunderestormss said: wonderful post. Really well-written and interesting, to say the least. You really are a beautiful person inside and out, and no one deserves to be talked to the way others, some who are supposed to be closer to you than anyone else, have.
- tsunderestormss likes this
- vyedr said: Corgies don’t always make it all better, but one day, I will get you one, and you will have a little fuzzy furbaby who will never judge you
- timeandbananas likes this
- kapwned posted this